Shari Becker's Home Page

Months ago, I decided to take on a freelance project that seemed so exciting. It was something I've wanted to do for a long, long time. And then, finally, the opportunity presented itself. I jumped on it. I overlooked the fact that I was doing the work for a project fee instead of my usual hourly rate. I underestimated the hours the project would take. And, I underestimated the real costs.

The project turned out to be bigger ... way bigger ... than I'd anticipated. At first, I told myself it was okay. I wouldn't be making much money, but the work was fun.

I had to work during time generally allotted for cleaning up the house. No big deal. I had to work during evenings when I usually catch up with my husband. No big deal. The phone was ringing with important calls I had to take during dinner prep time. So we'd eat a little later. No big deal. I had to work during time I'd allotted for my kids. They could watch a video. No big deal.

But it was a big deal. I hadn't planned for this much work. I'd committed to other things. There were laundry piles everywhere. I was sleep deprived, often sick and crabby. My preschooler and toddler were feeding themselves crackers right out of the box and eating cream cheese with their fingers all the while watching video after video. My work materials were spread throughout our house. We had no food to eat. Dinner was macaroni and cheese or hot dogs almost nightly. My kids became distraught. My husband was ticked off. I wasn't taking care of anything or anyone - including myself.

I needed help, but I couldn't afford to hire any because I had so severely underestimated the project hours. I was making less an hour than the college kid who watches my children.

"Who is taking care of us?" Emelia asked me one day. "You're just letting us watch TV. More than ever."

It's funny how we assign costs to the various sacrifices we make. For me, this project wasn't about money. It was about a vision I had of a fabulous freelance gig. It seemed exciting, sexy almost. I was thrilled to be doing something that felt professional again.

Like many glamorous daydreams, it was neither sexy nor exciting. There have been some perks, but I've been too tired to appreciate them. While I thought I was just giving up money, what I really gave up was my commitment to my book writing, to this blog, and most importantly to the stability of my home.

There's more to my life's equation than I thought. I choose a patchwork life because I want to experience it all. I want to be at ballet recitals, and read stories in my daughter's class. I want to have evenings with my husband and fun family weekend outings. I want to express myself creatively through my writing and story telling.

The truth is, I can't have it all. At least not the "All" I imagined. For me, having it all means recognizing I can't do it all.

So the short term plan is to finish up this project. I hope to get most of it done in time for a lovely summer vacation with my kids. It's going to be another long month of work, but I've decided to hire someone to help me out. It means taking a loss financially, but its worth it because the real costs of these past few months have been too great to even assign a dollar amount.